Miss Cleo: Muggle Tarot Reader Meets the Weaslys
by Conga Drummer
Summary: What happens when a Muggle tarot card reader does a reading for the Weaslys? PG because it's not really meant for little kids. Don't worry, it's not that bad. Not as many curses as HP books. CH.2: Bill, Charlie, and Ginny get readings. FINISHED-7/14/
1. Part 1: Ron, Fred and George, Percy

Miss Cleo Meets the Weaslys

Miss Cleo Meets the Weaslys

**_A/N_**: This is only funny to me.It reads sort of like just dialogue.Opinions may vary.Enjoy! J

**_Disclaimer-_** I do not own Miss Cleo, any tarot cards, the Harry Potter universe, or the Weaslys.Miss Cleo is some tarot card reader "psychic" that I saw in an add. I saw Miss Cleo in a title somewhere, but it wasn't Harry Potter (I don't think) and I'm not copying it (I didn't even read it). (ALSO: This is by no means meant to insult, lie about, discredit, etc. Miss Cleo.)Oh yeah, I don't own Destiny's Child or _Survivor_ (you'll find out J) either.You guys no the disclaimer drill. J

**_Part 1:_**

**Ron and Destiny's Calling**

*****Miss Cleo sits down.

**Miss Cleo:** I see… We have a Ronald Weasly here today, to get his free tarot card reading! *

_*First three minutes free of charge.Every minute after-50$._

_ _

**Ron:** Uh, yeah, I guess.So what do I do?

**Cleo: **You just sit yourself down and listen to me predictions.I may be a, what you call, Muggle, but I know me way around tarot cards.Oh, and do make sure you pay me.

**Ron: **What the (edited by Miss Cleo show staff) are you playing at?!This is a _free_ reading!!

**Cleo: **There, my friend, you are _very_ wrong!Read the fine print, boy!

**Ron: **I never would have called this place if I knew that!

**Cleo: **SUCKS FOR YOU!

**Ron: **C'mon!I'm a big star in the Muggle world...

**Cleo:** Well, there you are right.Hmmm... Okie.Your reading will be only 25$ per minute after the first three.

**Ron: **WHAT?YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!

**Cleo: **Nope... perfectly inside it.Ok, ok, you get yourself a FREE READING!But you better be thankful...

**Ron: **Thank god... All right.Let's get on with this reading.

**Cleo: **First, I will make up things about your "personal life" that are completely untrue.Winging it is my specialty...

*****Cleo flips over one card, then another.With a mischievous grin, she continues:

**Cleo:** It seems there is a girl who's name means the color purple in your life...

**Ron: **What the-? Ohhhh…Lavender.WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

**Cleo: **It seems that, in your little Divination class, you wanted to see her anus...

**Ron: **WHAT?Oh yeah... That was a joke, yeah.

*****Sweats nervously

**Ron: **That was the planet-Siriusly.Well, that is something Sirius would do…But, ummm, I just wanted to see the planet.REALLY!

**Cleo: **Touché, touché... Anyway, on to your family.

*****Miss Cleo turns over some more cards.With a look of interest/curiosity, she speaks to Ron.

**Cleo: **I see… You have one workaholic and annoying, one druggie wild man, one crazy dragon chaser/Quidditch player, and two prankster/loser brothers?

**Ron: **That hardly fits their description!Well, Percy's may be right… But Bill's not a druggie! Well, he wasn't a druggie last time I checked!Charlie isn't crazy!And Fred and George aren't losers!

*****Cleo flips over another card.

**Cleo:** Hmmm… and you have one sister with a crush on-your best friend!

**Ron: **Uhh, yeah.

*****Cleo turns over yet another card.

**Cleo: **I was mistaken earlier… you have feelings for your little sister's best friend… a red-haired, snobby girl… Hmmm.It seems you also are being called by Destiny! Destiny's summons should not be ignored!Go! Fulfill your Destiny!

*****Ron goes really red about the Hermione remark.Also, he clenches his hands in a fist at the "snobby" comment…

**Ron:** HOW DARE YOU CALL HERMIONE THAT!!

**Cleo: **Well, I just did, punk.

**Ron: **WELL SCREW YOU!

*****Ron is out of his chair and grabbing for his wand.

**Cleo:** Please, child. ****Don't you want to hear your phony- I mean amazing- destiny?

**Ron: **Not a snowball's chance in, ummm, heck!

**Cleo: **Rude of you, child…You may be- DESTINY'S CHILD!

*****Cleo gets up and starts singing:

_I'm a survivor, _

_I'm a survivor,_

_Don't want to give up,_

_Gonna work harder…_

*****Someone in the audience screams at Cleo.

**Random Audience Person: **SHUT THE HECK UP!!!

**Cleo: **Fine, be that way…

*****Ron sighs.

**Ron: **Fine, fine… Tell me my "destiny".

*****Cleo flips over a card, once again.

**Cleo: **Interesting… It seems that you are destined to pay me sixty dollars…

*****Ron points his wand at Miss Cleo.

**Ron: **_STUPEFY!_

*****Miss Cleo becomes unconscious as Fred and George walk in.

**Fred: **HEY!We can't get a tarot reading from a stunned con-artist!

**George: **Yeah… We need a conscious con-artist!

**Fred: **_Ennervate!_

*****Cleo becomes conscious.

**Cleo: **Are you to ready for your free tarot reading? 

**Fred: **He-, whups, these are kids books.Heck, yeah!

**George: **Bring on the tarot reading!

*****Ron walks out.

**Ron:** I can't believe you guys…

**George: **We sure can! 

*****Looking disgusted, Ron leaves.

**Cleo:** So you're ready for your free* tarot reading?

*Free for first three minutes.50$ per minute afterwards.

**_A/N_**: I hope you liked Part 1.Part 2=Fred and George mischief! J

**_Part 2:_**

**_Fred, George, and Weasly's Wizard Wheazes_**

**_ _**

**Fred: **Like we said, YES WOMAN!

*****George attempts to calm Fred down and whispers.

_George(whispering):_ I know she's a pain, but we gotta try and turn her into a canary on national Muggle telivision!

_Fred(whispering): _You're right, bro.We'll get kicked off if I keep going on like this.

*****George pats Fred on the back.

_George(whispering):_ Good job.

**Cleo:** Are you two hooligans done with your private conversation yet?

_George(whispering): _Remember, control yourself.

*****Fred fingers his wand, but puts his hand back on the table.

**Fred: **Yeah.

**Cleo: **So let's begin, shall we?

**George: **Definitely.I've been waiting for this all week!

*****Fred and George snicker quite a bit.

**Cleo: **I see… you have ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT FOR THE SCAMMING-er, I mean noble- ART OF TAROT CARD READING!!!

**Fred: **Yup… that's about right!

*****Fred gives George a high five.

**George: **We did bring food, though.

*****Fred pulls out a basket from the floor and sets it on the table.

**Fred: **Here! We have all sorts of stuff… Toffees, drinks (non-alcoholic, mind you), candies, and more!

**Cleo: **Thank you boys!And I thought you were both loser brats…

*****Cleo looks warily at the food, though.She takes a card, flips it over, and examines it carefully.After a few moments, she comes to a conclusion.Meanwhile, Fred and George have their fingers crossed and hope for good luck.

**Cleo: **Oh, how sweet!There is a cream inside one of those pieces of bread!Thank you!

*****Fred and George slap each other five once again, this time under the table, and softly so Cleo can't hear.

**Fred:** Well, mum always told us to be polite. 

**George: **Definitely.Bread with a cream in it tastes so much better, don't you think, Fred?

**Fred:** Absolutely.Eat up, Cleo!

*****Cleo eats more, and more, and more…

**Cleo: **Delicious!

**George: **Fred always had a knack for cooking.

**Fred: **Nah, it was always you who had skills with a frying pan. 

*****Without noticing it, Cleo's tongue reaches the distance of four feet.She finally finds out.

**Cleo: **WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

*****George gasps in mock-astonishment.

**Fred: **Oh my god- your tongue- IT'S HUGE!

*****Cleo took a bite off the bread earlier, and finally burst into the shape of a canary!

**George: **Good job, bro!

**Fred: **Well done, chappie!

**Cleo: **WHAT THE, oh yeah, I'm on national television, HECK HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!? 

**George: **It's our famous canary cream!Buy two boxes of eight a piece for only one galleon- five dollars!

**Fred: **Make what happened to you happen to all your enemies- and friends!

*****Cleo shakes hands with Fred and George, respectively.

**Cleo: **You've got yourselves a deal!

*****Cleo hands Fred five dollars, and George hands her two boxes of canary creams.

**George: **A dull moment will never pass again!

**Fred: **One problem left for you, though…

**Fred and George **_(simultaneously)_**:** YOU'RE STILL A CANARY!

*****Suddenly Percy bursts in.

**Percy: **WHAT HAVE YOU TWO DONE TO THIS POOR, MUGGLE WOMAN?!

**George: **Sold her two boxes of canary creams, that's what!

*****Percy gets his wand and changes Cleo back into a person, and her tongue reverts to normal size.

**Percy: **GET OUT!

**Fred: **Fine, Perce.

**George: **Just one last word with Cleo, here!

**Percy: **Fine… Have it your way.

*****Fred and George make a move for the door as they speak.

**Fred: **Could we possibly interest you in a ton-tongue toffee or two?

**George: **25 cents a piece!

*****Miss Cleo pursues them to take them up on the offer, but Percy levitates both of them out.

**Percy: **Brothers… Fred and George have no initiative.

**Cleo: **May I interest you in a free* tarot reading?

*You know the first-three-minutes-free drill…

A/N: Two parts down, three to go… Next part is: Percy. J

**_Part 3:_**

**_Percy and THE PREDICTION_**

**Percy: **Sure… As long as I get home in time to finish my report on increased grindylow activity in Ireland and how it will affect Great Brita-

*****Miss Cleo cuts off Percy.

**Cleo: **Frankly, Percy, I don't give a damn.

*****Arthur bursts in at this mention of Muggle books/entertainment.

**Arthur: **Did you just use a phrase from a Muggle movie, slightly modified to fit the person it was being said to (Percy)?

**Cleo:** Well, yes.It's called _Gone With the Wind**.**_

**Arthur: **WOW! I just learned something new about Muggles!

*****Arthur skips out, doing a little dance in pure joy.

**Cleo: **Enough with that nutcase…

*****Percy acts extremely eager, like a little kid.

**Percy: **Please, Miss Cleo, please can I get a tarot reading? Pretty, pretty please?

**Cleo: **Don't wet your pants, dear! I'm working on it.

**Percy: **WOW! I'm getting a tarot reading; I'm getting a tarot reading, na-na-na-nana!

*****Percy dances up and down as Cleo (with a sigh) flips over a few cards.

**Cleo: **Whoah…

**Percy: **WHAT? WHAT?

*****Cleo gasps.

**Cleo: **I think this has something to do with your job…

**Percy: **Oh, yes.I can tell you all about my job!I work in the International Magical Relations Department, and I do all sorts of neat things!I worked on the Tri-Wizard-Tournament!Also, I went to *****Percy gasps*** IRELAND **on business! I can fly there for free on a broom, but I got to go there on business! Even though I can go there any time I want! WHO-HOO!

*****Looking thouroughly annoyed, Cleo continues.

**Cleo: **I'm sorry, but you will be losing your job…

***Percy starts crying and falls to the ground.He pulls out his wand and stuns Cleo, and goes running to the door.**

**Percy: Wait a sec… _Enervate!_**

***Cleo wakes up.**

**Percy: Do you know what job I _will_****__be getting, though?**

***Looking even more annoyed, Cleo continues.**

**Cleo: YOU WILL CLEAN THE TOILETS AT WEASLY'S WIZARD WHEAZES!**

***Cleo laughs evilly.**

**Cleo: MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!**

**Percy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

***Percy stuns Cleo again and runs out the door.The TV announcer does some, well, announcing.**

**Announcer: I'm sorry to inform you that, due to a crazy (and stunned) host, the show will continue later.Watch for it on Sunday or Monday! (****_A/N:_ Hint, hint…)**

**A/N: Thanks for reading!And make sure you ****REVIEW, REVIEW, AND REVIEW! Thanks, and enjoy life! (If you reviewed…) J**


	2. Part 2: Bill, Charlie, Ginny

Miss Cleo Meets the Weaslys 2

**Miss Cleo Meets the Weaslys _2_**

****

_A/N: _Here it is, the second half of Miss Cleo: Muggle Tarot Reader Meets the Weaslys. Thanks to all who reviewed! 

This Chapter:

Bill

Charlie 

Ginny

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own anything except the non-existent plot.

_Part 4:_

_Bill- Lady's Man_

__

*****Cleo welcomes Bill in through the door, checking him out.

**Bill: **Hey, Miss Cleo. What up?

*****Cleo, still checking out Bill, doesn't hear the question. Bill waves his hand to get here attention.

**Bill: **Hello?

*****Cleo comes back to Earth.

**Cleo: **Hello. You got your tarot reading _really_ for free!

*****Bill looks surprised.

**Bill:** That's very nice of you! And I thought you were a con artist…

*****Cleo grasps for a recovery.

**Cleo: **Me? No. Never. Ever.

*****Bill chuckles a little.

**Bill: **So, let's get this reading out of the way, shall we?

**Cleo: **Ummm, ummmm, of _course_!

*****Cleo flips over a card or two, and soft cursing can be heard from her side of the table.

**Cleo: **DAMN! 

**Bill: **Huh?

*****Cleo looks angry and Bill looks confused. Cleo tries to smooth things over.

**Cleo: **Did I just say that?

*****She acts nervously.

**Bill: **Yeah, you did.

**Cleo: **OOPS! I didn't mean to say that on national TV. Gotta keep my image, ya know?

**Bill: **Uh, yeah. Everyone slips sometimes… Anyway, what's my prediction?

**Cleo: **There's a veela girl you're going to date…

*****More cursing from Cleo.

**Bill: **What? 

*****Bill smiles.

**Cleo: **I believe she was at an event you attended in June. She participated.

**Bill: **Oh.

**Cleo: **BUT YOU BETTER NOT! YOU'RE **_MINE! MINE! MINE!_**

*****Cleo gets up and tries to hit Bill. The eldest Weasly holds up his hands and backs away from the crazy tarot reader.

**Bill: **Calm down, calm down…

**Cleo: _NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

*****Bill grabs his wand.

**Bill: **_STUPEFY!_

*****Cleo falls to the ground.

**Show Announcer: **Not this again… Ugh! 

**Bill: **Sorry, man, she was out of control.

**Show Announcer: **It's all right… But this is the second time in two days!

**Bill: **That must suck! 

**Show Announcer: **You're d-, oh yeah, this is on Nick, that crappy kiddy channel. You're _darn_ right…

**Bill: **That must suck even more!

**Show Announcer: **Definitely. Maybe the next guy's a wizard… _Hopefully _the next guys a wizard. _NEXT!_

__

_A/N: _Sorry, that sort of sucked. I was just out of ideas for Bill. Anyway… Here's part 5.

**_Part 5:_**

**_Charlie and the Renegade Bludger, and Dragon, and Snitch, and Camera…_**

**__**

*****Charlie walks through the door and sees the stunned Miss Cleo.

**Charlie: **_ENERVATE!_

*****Miss Cleo awakes.

**Charlie: **Who did this to you?

**Cleo: **Your loser brother!

*****Charlie looks shocked.

**Charlie: **He's not a loser, sorry. It must have been the…

*****Horror film music plays.

**Charlie: **Renegade bludger!

*****Just then, a black ball comes zooming in through the door and bouncing around. Then it flies out the door.

**Charlie: **I'll go after it! I've been waiting for a sighting for weeks.

*****Steve the Crocodile Hunter music plays, as Charlie sets out after the renegade bludger. He returns ten minutes later with many scratches and cuts, and lots of mud on him.

**Cleo: **WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?

*****Just then, part of the Nickelodeon audience complains.

**Nickelodeon Audience Member: **Hey! NICK IS FOR KIDS!

**Cleo and Charlie: **SHUT UP, KID!

**Charlie: **Anyway, I wrestled the renegade bludger down to the ground, and blew it up with my wand. Brought me back to the old days…

**Cleo: **WE'RE HERE FOR A TAROT READING, NOT REMINISCING!

**Charlie: **Fine! 

*****Cleo and Charlie start pouting as Cleo flips over two cards.

**Cleo: **There's a renegade dragon coming here any minute…

*****Cleo sighs.

**Charlie: **I've been looking for him, too! 

*****Charlie climbs behind the table, waiting to ambush the renegade dragon.

**Charlie: **There he is!!!

*****A dragon climbs in the door.

**Renegade Dragon: **Hey, man, what up?

**Charlie: **Hey, renegade dragon! Nothin' much. Watcha been up to, G?

Renegade Dragon: Just looking for my man Puff… 

*****Cue music by Cleo:

_Puff the magic dragon,_

_Lived by the sea-_

**Nickelodeon Audience Member's Adult Brother: **SHUT THE HELL UP!

**Nickelodeon Audience Member: **HEY! NO BAD WORDS, 'CAUSE **NICK IS FOR KIDS!**

**Cleo, Renegade Dragon Charlie, and Nickelodeon Audience Member's Adult Brother: **SHUT UP, KID!

**Renegade Dragon: **Sorry, dude, got to go find Puff.

**Charlie: **It's all good, man! See ya on the flip side!

*****Renegade Dragon gives Charlie a high five/claw, and leaves.

**Cleo: **Let's get back to the tarot reading…

*****Cleo flips over another card.

**Cleo: **Sh- Crap, two more renegade thingies are coming…

*****Renegade snitch and renegade camera burst into the room. Renegade snitch starts checking Cleo out, and Renegade Camera starts snapping pictures of her.

**Charlie: **DUCK, WOMAN! IT'S RENEGADE SNITCH AND RENEGADE CAMERA!

**Renegade Snitch: **Hey, who's the chick, Charlie?

**Charlie: **HEY! You're a quidditch ball- you can't talk!

**Fanfic Author: **OH YES HE CAN! Tell him what's on your mind, bro!

*****Charlie sighs.

**Renegade Snitch: **You think you can set me up with her?

**Charlie: **Nah, if she doesn't see it in a tarot reading, she won't do it.

**Renegade Snitch: **Crap. That sucks.

*****Cleo faints at being asked out by an inanimate object.

**Charlie: **Oh well, I guess Ginny won't be getting a reading…

_A/N:_ Hope everyone liked that. Ginny's part is going to be short, for lack of ideas. Sorry. 

**_Part 6:_**

**_Ginny and Renegade Non-Living Objects_**

*****Ginny walks in the door.

**Ginny: **Hey, Charlie!

*****Ginny looks down and sees the unconscious form of Miss Cleo.

**Ginny: **What happened to her?

**Charlie: **Long story…

**Ginny: **HOW AM I GOING TO GET MY TAROT READING??!!

**Fanfic Author: **Don't worry, little girl, you'll get Renegade Snitch and Renegade Camera's affections instead! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!

*****Renegade Camera and Renegade Snitch start checking Ginny out. Renegade Camera starts taking pictures, since he can't talk.

**Renegade Snitch: **I'm gonna be blunt, woman. You want to go out with me?

**Ginny: **WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

**Charlie: **Sorry, I don't know.

**Ginny: **Big help you are… I'm getting out of here!

*****Ginny runs for the door, with Renegade Snitch and Renegade Camera following her. 

**Ginny: **SCREW YOU GUYS! _IMPERIO! IMPERIO!_

*****Renegade Camera and Renegade Snitch are under Ginny's control. Renegade Camera short circuits itself, and Renegade Snitch goes to find a Quidditch game to take part of.

**Ginny: **Thank god that's over… Let's get out of this place, Charlie.

**Charlie: **Sounds good.

*****Charlie and Ginny walk out the door.

THE END 

__

_A/n: _Thanks to everyone who reviewed and will review. There's not much else to say. Thanks!

****


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